Saturday, January 2, 2010

Be forewarned--I went a little crazy with the screenshots

Opening
It is a fact that I have a penchant for bad movies. Not in the ironic way which allows people to get away with owning such classics as Newsies (an all-time favourite of mine) or She's All That (be honest!). I get enjoyment from taking my brain out and just allowing these take me away to a simpler state of mind and I won't apologize for it. There are few things in this world I enjoy more than rifling through the bargain bin at the supermarket for some trashy gem or another. After being given an iTunes giftcard for Christmas, I saw fit to rent a movie that I've been dying to experience. That movie was Sylvester Stallone's Paradise Alley, and I was in no way disappointed.

This movie combines some of my favourite things:
Men is suspenders,
Fav things
hard liquor,
Fav things
seedy nightclubs with shitty lighting, Fav things
fierce bitches,
Fav things
this guy,
Tom Waits
and bleak snapshots of humanity.
Fav things

It's an underdog story about three brothers trying to escape Hell's Kitchen in 1946. Times is hard, they are different, people are cruel, some love stories, they succeed in the end. I know it's a tired story. I don't care. I also don't care about how 'stylized' it is. If I could shoot a movie, I'd want it all done in dark alleys, makeshift doctor's offices, and clubs named Sticky's, too. You keep doing your thang, Sly.

I spent most of the movie waiting for Cosmo to jump into the ring to save Victor and wondering why all of these men are so fucking sweaty.
Sweat Lulz
Sweat Lulz
Sweat Lulz
Sweat Lul
Sweat Lulz

If you say it's because they're in Hell's Kitchen--har har har-- I'm telling Frankie that you like like him.
Struttin' Frankie

Now, maybe it's just because the movie is surrounded by a fine haze of cigarette smoke and desperation, but I was quite in love with the ladies' clothes. The mid-Forties were a good time to be a destitute vixen.
These girls are only extras, but don't try and tell me you wouldn't pay a quarter for a dance with them.
Laaadies

Then there's Bunchie. Great shoes and a sick hat, but she only gets two shots because she's a whore. No, really. She'd do you for a Klondike bar.
Munchie
Munchie

That brings us to the leading lady and object of desire of the two eldest Carboni brothers, Annie. Why? Because she's a babe and does art or some shit.
Annie Annie
Annie
Annie
Annie

Her dress here has convinced me that Rodarte's dress for Target may be just what every gal needs to stomp on the heart of her lover when he becomes an asshole who exploits his brother.
Annie Rodarte for Target
Hey, you never know.

It's not just the ladies. I, personally, think Stallone makes an adorable drunk Santa.
Santa Carboni
Just don't laugh at him. He's sensitive.
Santa Carboni


Oh fuck. You made fun of him, didn't you? Now he's gone and crashed his car into the bar.
Crash
Who's going to clean that up?
Baddie WTF
Maybe this guy.
Bum




Uhhhh...Now it's time for wa-hey-hey-heyyyyy too many shots of Mr. Waits.
Tom piano
Tom piano
Tom piano
Tom Waits
Tom/Stallone
Tom/Stallone
Tom/Stallone

For anyone who's not entirely sold on this masterpiece, we'll finish with Stallone yelling at a monkey.
Stallone/Monkey
Fair?



4 comments:

  1. now I'm curious and want to watch this movie! :P

    love the way you write! made me giggle a lot! :D

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  2. I highly recommend it, if you couldn't tell already!
    Just don't expect too much of it.
    Glad you enjoyed the rambling. :]

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  3. Oh thank for going crazy with the screen shots! I hit the Stallone motherload. How could you ignore the awful vocals on the song though?? Lol.

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